Eternal Rambling of a PROCRASTINATOR

The chronicles of a love struck runner!

2008-09-09T13:39:00.000-07:00

One of those lame attempts at writing a "funny" poem - 5 years ago!!! (Thanks to the room cleaning spree, that I re-discovered these little bits of paper)

A moment of silence,
A moment of truth,
A moment so tense,
How fast time flew.

She stood there all day
waiting and watching
a choice she had to make;
she found it frustrating.

Time was sure a killer
but the choice was made at last,
she chose the hometown miller;
Over the boy who ran so fast.

The miller was thrilled,
and threw a celebration bash.
invited the whole town of Kurild,
including the unfortunate fast lad.

Furious and enraged was he,
for he could not win his fair maiden,
he ran so fast to the sea
a penance, he thought for his lovely Eden.

He stood there night and day
not moving an inch,
finally in the month of May,
came before him Lord Minch.

"What do you seek oh fast one",
The Lord questioned,
"I want to be strong and have some fun"
he answered with no hesitation.

'I shall grant you your wish",
Lord Minch said without a frown,
"But you might turn into a fish,
misuse always brings all down".

In the meantime, Eden and the miller,
tie their marital bonds,
they settle across the river Filler,
and raised little Zond.

There was the runner all happy and gay,
but plotting and planning by a tree,
Goes to the Miller's family,
and abducts Eden away.

He casts a love spell on her,
mesmerised was she..
he was so sure -
his, she finally would be.

Before anything could happen,
clouds parted ways,
down came Lord Minch,
and took the runner away.

He was saved from being fish
thanks to Lord Zwich,
Though he had to spend five years,
in the hell names Durich.

Five years passed by and finally he arose,
repenting and crying
he out his fast legs to use,
and ran towards Myring.

He ran and ran as fast as he can,
and noticed the world around him,
he ran and ran until the sun could tan,
and learnt so much from within.

Myring did he reach at last,
a whole new person he was
inspired by what he saw,
he wrote a book under a tree so tall.

He was flooded with money so soon,
he could not believe is eyes,
all this was so true,
a best seller was his book CRY.

A thought suddenly struck him,
for he realized he needed no love,
"Why do I need love, when I have the money"
Was the title of his next work.

Another best seller, did that become,
money was pouring in his sight,
settled at last in his not so humble home
" Ah this is life!"

The Great Auto Story

2008-07-30T14:03:00.000-07:00

I believe an Indian experience is incomplete without being subject to the always eventful rides by our very own infamous auto men! I have been travelling by auto ever since I was 15 years old or perhaps even younger.. and believe me there is so much I've learnt from these little trips. Apart from analyzing behaviour in the form of case studies, I think dealing with these auto drivers, be it haggling for a better price or fighting with them for taking the longer route (when the metre is on) there is so much we can learn from them. Most importantly I believe its the sheer confidence and the perseverance that these men ooze when they are talking to a man, a woman, a girl, a child or even an elderly. Here are my top ten reasons that these VERY creative, overly enthusiastic and perhaps a tad greedy men have said with regard to the auto fare.

10) "Madam idu one way, rhomba souti ponnum"
The very famous and slightly over played " One way madam".
They talk as though we DONT know the city routes, even if we try giving them the NON one way direction, they seem so certain that it is a one way.

9) "Night time madam, konjam paatu podunga"
The next one - " Night time madam"
Ofcourse if we are travelling at 11 pm, it is night time, but since when did 6.30 - 7.00 pm become night time?!

8) "Rohmba ulllllllllai ponnum, pattu rooba pottu kudunga"
This is something I quite often come across - " You have to go innnnnnnnside (he stresses on that) madam"
Fine, we might give the building and apartment name, but going 10 metres inside seriously does not cost us 10 rs more, now does it.

7) "Madam petrol vellai yerrirku, ongallaku onnum teriyaadu"
The inflation rate in our country seems to increase EVERYDAY - " Madam petrol prices have gone up, you dont know anything".
Do they really go up EVERYDAY??? or every second hour?!

6) "Ayyo Baiyangram Traffic Jaam aa irruke, 20 rs extra kudunge"
This is my personal favourite - "Traffic jam madam"
Yeah, so I'll be the one getting late, why should I pay him extra for me getting late?!

5) "Distance rhomba short, neengai pattu rooba kudunge"
And of course we have the lazy ones who say " Madam, give me 10 rs extra, distance is too short".
So I will give the minimum rate, why pay for being a sloth!

4) "Yenna madam, chumma pattu roobai paakaadeengai"
Reasonless - "Madam dont see 10 rs".
They don't tell us why they want the extra 10 rs, they just dont want us to 'see' it.

3) "Epdi mazhai peyaradu, auto azhikayidum, neengai kudunge"
Rain or snow - our men want more " Rain madam, the auto will get dirty"
Ok then clean your auto! You do that every day dont you.

2) " setpet(Chetpet) breej (bridge) yeeeeri errangi, inoooru breej yerranume"
My all time favourite, auto drivers hate working out - " Madam, we have to go over two flyovers".
I am very sorry that the city has imposed such a huge burden on them.

1) "Madam, night time le lightu podanum, petrol appo use aavum illai,konjam apadiye potu kundunge, ongalku ennai"
This one is priceless - "Madam, night time, I have to switch on head lights, that will consume more petrol, what for you".
ok SERIOUSLY now :)

*special mention* - "Madam, savaari kadai kaadu" - "Madam, I wont get anyone who would want to use my auto services"

Oh well, it might seem a little harsh, but we are victims! And of course there a few genuinely nice ones, who probably try making conversation and call us their "sisters" and sometimes ask for lesser than it actually is! But never a day has gone by, when I have not heard one of these reasons! And I must admit they are getting BETTER by the day.

In progress

2008-06-15T04:54:00.000-07:00

A song in progress.... ;-)

In the midst of fate,
can you relate?
can you escape?
can you just wait?

In the midst of fear,
can you hide?
can you even try?
can you open your eyes?

Nowhere to run,
Nowhere to turn
There's no time left for you
No place to stand,
Nowhere to land
There's no time left for you.

In the midst of a dream
can you really think?
can you find meaning?
can you make a wish?

A drift

2008-01-04T10:33:00.000-08:00

“Find out about your dreams and you will find out about insanity” – Hughlings Jackson

What is a dream? A vision? A fantasy? A plan? A word so simple, yet with so many speculations. A dictionary would define Dreams as the images, thoughts and feelings experienced while asleep. Someone inclining towards the biomedical model would talk about dreams in terms REM sleep cycles. Then of course the cardinal protagonist of ‘dream definition’ came to existence – Sigmund Freud.

Freud has created an impression among us aspiring psychologists and laymen. The man who openly admitted to having issues of his own, incorporated in his own theories, churned newer concepts and still managed to hold on to the image of the most controversial psychologist in the history of this field.

What a commendable achievement. Speaking in terms of analogies, I can say with conviction that my children would still listen to The Beatles – creative, autonomic and surrealistic. The spirit would stay alive. It’s the same with Freud. He was creative, autonomic and definitely surrealistic.

This piece is not an ode to Freud, but to explore the deeper concepts and meaning behind the most introspective and self discovery theories ever written. A layman would always associate psychology with Freud (As obnoxious as I might sound, it is true, I constantly hear… “Oh Psychology, so you must know Freud….that guy talks only about Sexual drives” I am NOT denying the above observation, just merely pointing out a fact that there is so much more to him, than that stated above.

Coming back to where I started, Dreams!! Yes, we all know dreams are an integral part of one’s being. Some may claim to never dream, some may not remember. But there is something there, and that has been explored intensively. Poets, Musicians, Novelists, Psychoanalysts have all used the concept of “Dreams” – in its original sense or the other. But its presence was never felt until Freud defined its significance. In his terms, the notion of dreams so repressed in the hostile world of criticizing the theory, emerged with a new energy – cathexis perhaps!

I recently read an article on Pop Culture and Dream Interpretation. It said how dreams manifest one’s desire to have a lovely, brilliant life devoid of any anxieties or worries. Several music artists right from Madonna to Billy Joel have expressed in their songs the importance of dreams and how the latter helps one relive their fantasy of a “lovely – brilliant life”.

The song that comes to my mind is “River of Dreams” by Billy Joel. Taking the concept of dreams being vast, deep, free of anxiety, a vision for a beautiful life- one can interpret this song along those lines. Here are just a few :

“ In the middle of the night

I go walking in my sleep

(The state of readiness before transcending into one’s dreams)

Through the valley of fear

Through the river so deep

(Talk about the anxieties one must cross to get to the deepest levels of dreams)

Know I’ve been looking for something

Something sacred I lost

(Looking for a beautiful life, which so blessed to him might have lost in reality)

But the river is wide

And it’s too hard to cross

(The darker side or the pessimism involved in dream manifestation)

Even though the river is wide, I walk down every evening and stand at the shore,

Hope to cross to the opposite side so I can finally find what I’ve been looking for”

(The ray of optimism to see a beautiful life through these dreams as he falls asleep).

There is this other song of his where he wrote “Good night my angel, now its time to dream and dream how wonderful your life will be” Different song, same line of thought.

Of course interpretations are meant to be questioned, reasoned, argued upon and contradicted too. But the point I’m trying to make here is unadorned. We live our lives playing different roles, but at some point (perhaps even at the unconscious level) why is it that we wish to sleep? Need to sleep? To give us a good rest from the roles we play, our various personas. What is rest? Biomedical school of thought would have a lot to say here, but how about delving into the inner psyche of oneself and think something different, something new, something exciting. Mental serenity…dreams….of living harmonious lives… rest….mental serenity…sleep.

Home away from home????

2007-06-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

Wow, I cant believe this month passed by so quickly. I can still remember finishing my Clinical Psych paper and celebrating with some good music and Breezers at Purple Haze with my fellow music enthusiast and now before I know it, I have to start slogging again, Psychopathology and all that jazz.
People said that I would definitely get used to Bangalore and the College and that its just a matter of time! It's been exactly a year now and the animosity is still as strong as ever. Strangely I can adjust, I know that! But I am just surprised at my incapability to do so!
My parents still bear the brunt of me rambling on and on about how

I want to quit the course.
I dont want to go back to Bangalore.
I want to stay home.

But they just dismiss it with a grin, they have faith that I will do justice to the 55,000Rs my father paid every year. Thankfully for my "perseverance" and immense patience I am mentally preparing myself to walk through this year!

It's easier said than done when people say "just one more year". But sometimes one really can't help feeling a particular way however much one might try and question and reason.

There are a lot of things to look forward to...great weather...independence...great concerts(not to mention the free passes)...a family...friends...but whatever said and done...it's NOT home!!!

Laws of Contiguity..

2007-06-06T02:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had one of the most interesting conversations. Strangely, it was with my mother. We talk a lot, gossip, fight, scream, nag (well she does). However, yesterday was different. We spoke for almost an hour and a half. My mother sleeps at 9.00 pm, she stayed up till 10.30pm….talking to her daughter. Finally we were both “mature adults” and discussed topics that I would not have even dreamt of disclosing under normal circumstances. But somehow it felt right, for once in my life I knew what I was doing and I wanted to share that with my mother.

Earlier when I experimented with the whole “sharing” process, I encountered brutal antipathy towards my ideas and was condemned of committing a “sin”..something a typical Iyer Girl must not even think of!

But yesterday, things were different, she smiled, she laughed, she was concerned but the over all experience was different. There is this new BOND that has been established, let me rephrase that, the old bond was strengthened, the connection was strengthened using the laws of exercise and contiguity and all other laws that these over ambitious learning theorists like Thorndike and Hull kept talking about without addressing the core of the connection.

Things have indeed changed, and thankfully I have a whole year left to relish this change

I am no Superman.....

2007-04-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

I am Currently in love with this song... Its the whole song, stripped down to its Lyrics, Tune and The Feel. It all started with a playplist on my ipod, that i was listening to as I was falling asleep, but then this song started, I woke up, I heard it, I heard it again, I heard it over and over again until I knew the words by HEART! Again a song is definitely not about knowing the words, its about making it your OWN, Feeling it!!! I guess that answers why there are certain songs you can just listen to forever.. I tried making this my own....Did I succeed in doing so? Well I dont know, but it sure got me to write about it.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING - DAVE MATTHEWS BAND

Where are you going, with your long face pulling down?
Don't hide away, like an ocean
That you can't see but you can smell
And the sound of waves crash down

I am no superman.
I have no reasons for you
I am no hero, Aww that's for sure
But I do know one thing:
Is where you are is where I belong.
I do know, where you go, is where I wanna be.

Where are you going? Where do you go?
Are you lookin' for answers to questions under the stars?
Well if along the way you are growin weary, you can rest with me
Until a brighter day, you're ok.

Tell me where are you going?
Where? Let's go.

Ok I admit it, I secretly do wish someone..anyone...was singing this to "me", gettting me to admit to something like that, is quite a task (people who know me would second that)...and thats the beauty of this song....I rest my case.

Debris....

2007-04-19T10:47:00.000-07:00

I was determined to write something on my blog today!

For its been collecting dust (not to mention cobwebs) much similar to this rack I have in my room. Its rather overwhelming to see how your room once so neat and tidy...spic and span orderly and symmetrical…is filled with junk…old junk…unused junk…. My room has lost its significant effect….the effect being – an invisible laser that stands in front of my door, preventing people from coming inside unless they swipe their coded entry card and then the door opens to a place which was NOT COLLECTING DUST.

And now as I sit on the same bed that used to cry out loud colours….I can see the faded colours screaming out loud “Sindhu..we miss you”. Now is that a good enough reason to convince my folks to let me stay back? Ofcourse it is…..(now isn’t that called wishful thinking)….

So the point boils down to my blog collecting dust…its been a month, and lets just say this “analogy” is a great way to clean up the mess!

....Until.....

2007-03-01T13:35:00.000-08:00

Until....I spoke to this other friend of mine....
I soon realized, what I think is not what everyone else thinks!! And with conviction I wish to believe that whatever I think, is what others will understand.....I was proved wrong...

This whole process started with harmless confrontation and ended up in introspection and realzing "The Self"....and not to mention.... to come to terms with "Reality".
Naive as I was, when I thought, only when you blatantly insult someone in any form, would that be considered rude....Apparently not!
Being emotionally repressed, Not always engaging in (inane) conversations, or probably not sayin a "HI", with a bright chirpy smile, to every singly person in the room.... also fall under the same category..."rude....obnoxious....stuck up".

As the conversation progressed, I tried taking my defensive stance, and only with time I realized, my efforts would be futile!
*As hard as it is for me to show "affection" it would be equally hard for someothers to comprehend the need for space.
*As hard as it is for me to understand the resistance to confrontation...equally hard would it be for someothers to understand "bluntness".
*As hard as it is for me to comprehend juvenile back biting....equally hard would it be for someothers to refrain from doing so.
*As hard as it is for me to trust people..equally hard would it be for others to provide the benefit of doubt.

I believe I live in a world free of judgements, but I'm clearly wrong, for a "message" that reached through word of mouth, had a far greater impact, than when the "message" was proved otherwise.

So now the revelation process began...I was asked to make an effort to change...."If I cared"... Now the question boils down to......."Do I always potray an indifferent attitude towards people?" If the answer is YES, then I sure am in BIG trouble! Why???? "I can't change"....WHY???
"It's convenient..." WHY?? "I do it unconsciously"..WHY??? "I wish I knew"!!!!
It suddenly occurred to me that, even though I might need to change, I refrain from making that effort! I would rather become a social recluse, retreat in my own little cocoon, but NOT change!!! This could be read as me being "Stubborn"...but truth speaks....WHO ISNT????.

Now is when the "Benefit of doubt" factor could come to play.... what if.....what if.... I am just NOT comfortable being any other way than the way I have been all my life!!!!!!!!!

Introspection indeed created a mild turmoil in my head....as my friend once said " I have a sandstorm in my head"...I never understood the strength of that statement..until NOW!

But philosophy speaks, or so I think...."Life moves on"............"and so should I"....

Madness!

2007-03-01T13:31:00.000-08:00

My friend spoke about Madness and Creativity in class today..... and just yesterday I had finished composing a song...and I was extremely proud of what I did....
It now makes me wonder, if what I did was actually a product of creativity... what really went through my mind to create something new, which till now people did not find any fault with.
Assuming that it is a creative piece of "art"...... am I "Mad"???
Is my thought process not conducive to what is expected from the "Real World"??
I thought not.....Until...................

It's a Puzzle to me...

2007-02-11T04:51:00.000-08:00

I never saw the day, I'd actually miss children's company.
This is with reference to my two cousins....who are "charming rogues".
I crave everyday to go over to my aunts place just to "be around those kids".
What is so baffling is that, I don't even play with the kids!
I just sit around them, policing them at times, and refusing to lift the smaller one....because he drools!!!!
And YET..... they come running(literallly) everytime they see my face....my detached stance...!!
I was stunned...I still am for that matter.
I bribe the older one with a used to train ticket, to learn a song...!!! And my interaction is prety much restricted to just that!
And YET..... they have the broadest smiles on their faces when they see me!!
I always wondered..why is it that I just cant refrain from going over to my aunts house...
Has my home sickness manifested itself by my constant need to be around "family"
or are my subdued strong sentiments for children associated with my ritualistic "spending 70 rs everyday" act to get here..... I would think the latter!!

Change

2007-01-03T08:24:00.000-08:00

So much has changed ever since I wrote my last post......

I reached home....and now its time to leave!
Its a new year...and I dont believe in resolutions!
I believe something new and different would happen and I would enjoy that difference.
Little signs, would bring a ray of optimism hopefully.
I can pull through one more semester in the city I dread going to everytime I come home....

My father had mentioned...." I havebecome a guest at home....since I have officially moved out"
My immediate reaction to that was "Appa chumma irru (Keep quiet)".
But I guess the statment actually hits you only when you realize that.... you can no longer sleep in your room, use your mirror, live in your house, watch TV, stay with your family members....when it is time to pack the bags and listen to last minute do's and dont's.

It's time now, and I can already hear my mother screaming....for I have to leave yet once again!!!! But this time...hoping things would be a lot different!

Signing off!

Sidey-ness

2006-12-21T11:21:00.000-08:00

For the benefit of a certain someone, who thinks, I am a different person from what my blogs potray to be!....I shall do u a favour...u know who u are!

I shall be indeed grateful to one of my friends, who introduced this very hilarious and entertaining dialect that is extremely addictive... So here it is....the full fledged SIDEYNESS!!

I yam beginning to thing(think) vat eet is dat vee r vonting to ferform. one gent is saying me that i yam being not me, mins, I yam doing differnt writings. Bet(but) i yam so hordly trying to do the understanding to him, but he is not wonly getting yanything.
So i yam doing the trying yagain n yagain...mins...naeow he should be understanding.
I yam jovial ferson..i yam like a flower blossoming and lowing yeverything and yeverybody!
I lowe ferforming singings! And I yam lowing Rajkumar Saar...he is being my guru! He is putting the writings for beautious songs with soofer lyrics ra...
wut eet is...i will say u....
"Lowe me or hate me...kiss me or kill me...or dorling pls to something to me"
i yam lowing this song...and i shall put hopings that u too will!
now i yam not yat all knowing phat to do! so i will do signing off!!
BYE FRANDS!!!!

*ahem ahem*

Merge.....

2006-12-21T10:26:00.000-08:00

Today is a mark of two very significant events that has changed my life in every possible way (note the dramatic touch). For one, this is my 4^th BLOG ENTRY, which means I have officially crossed the 3 blog entry personal record. Quite a remarkable achievement I must say.

Other than that, I have completed my first semester of my never-ending Msc Clinical Psychology course. I think after years, I could actually sense the excitement in me for having finished my last exam. Is it the relief of not having to spend another sleepless night while I gulp down tins of Red Bull or have I just regressed to my child-like propensity?

The answer lies in my own psyche, for I would wish to think it is an amalgamation of both.

I am relieved…why???

1) I can sleep early.

2) I can look forward to spending time at home.

3) I can eat amazing home cooked food.

4) I can meet my friends.

5) I can sing.

6) I could be nonchalant with time issues.

7) I can watch movies.

8) I don’t have to spend time & money taking photocopies.

I’m invoking my candid, juvenile spirit, which was once suppressed due to unanswerable reasons ….How???

1) I clapped my hands the minute I finished my paper.

2) I literally jumped once I left the exam hall.

3) I busted a lot of money on good food.

4) I ate….I ate well…I ate really well….So well…I managed to skip dinner!

5) I made sure I informed everyone about my exam completion.

6) I spoke gibberish to my mother.

7) I laughed out LOUD.

8) I did a little dance in my head ( I still have 2 left feet)

9) I am still writing blogs ( ;-D)

Now the question still remains, when being the latter actually is so much fun, why does one, more specifically why do I refrain from being that! I guess time alone can tell………

Fussing and Fighting

2006-12-18T06:44:00.000-08:00

Today I ended up writing the most dreadful exam in this history of all psychology subjects- Biological Foundations of Behaviour (sounds terrifying???...it is!!!)
Slogging for almost 2 days..learning about the Rostral part of the precentral Gyrus, that contains the pre Motor cortex associated with the Frontal Association Cortex!! (and believe me, this is the easier part).
It was rather hilarious, while me and my friend were all set to finish the portions on time! (I must admit, I did have an ulterior motive.....the DEEP PURPLE SHOW!!!speakin of which, it was brilliant, we stood right in front and towards the end had a bunch of testesterone driven males fight for that one drum stick that was thrown to us....fall on me and ended up tearing my footwear...aah well it was worth it)
I woke up at 9.00 am yesterday, rather early for my standards, as I tend to go on temporary hibernations during vacations! We started flipping through the pages of our text book...and thats when we realized, " There is NO point studying all this!!!" so, we just made things easier and DID not study!!!!and just HOPED we do well the next day!!
The question paper finally arrived...I started laughin, nothing hilarious, just the fact that I didnt know most of the answers. I realized, I was not the only one!!!! Then began my exam and finally finished that!!
And it makes me wonder, is it all worth for just an MSc Degree!!! Am I really going to remember ANYTHING i learnt yesterday!!??!!!! I dare to imagine, what I would be like, the end of 2 years!!!
Needless to say, I am so glad I made it for the DP concert( the smaller things in life I enjoy) and I should Hit myself for even having second thoughts, because of ONE Exam!

Free Association

2006-12-10T00:22:00.000-08:00

One of my works of extreme boredom! So many times, you would want to do everything else but study!!! This is a by product of free association!! i just started writing something.... and this is what it turned out to be! Im sure Freud would have a few interesting interpretation...but lets all just refrain from delving that deep...and hopefully appreciate the mere essence of what is called a POEM! ...... :)

She sits by herself all night,
with stacks of paper on the floor,
A plan she had to soon device,
But in vain, she could think no more.

She picked up the phone and a number she dialled,
to hear a deep hoarse voice,
But suddenly did she hear a cry,
She ran without thinking twice.

Her husband soaked in red blood,
a gory sight she had to see,
Over a wall, a man then jumped,
From a distance she saw..she froze and couldnt scream.

She recognised that dark profile,
he then walked steady and slow,
"oh dear father of mine"
"what urged you to do so"

Finally freedom did she taste
as she dialled the number again,
with a big smile on her face..
"The jobs done"..she exclaimed!!

Why??

2006-12-09T11:16:00.000-08:00

So here I am, yet another victim, who has fallen prey in the hands of this evil technologically advanced mode of “catharsis”, “creative thinking” or lets just say “writing.

Blogs… who in the world came up with that??

Whatever happened to, taking books and scribbling down random thoughts, doodling all over the page, but more importantly, taking that old almost withered book, flipping through the tattered pages, and reading something you wrote…your words (not that someone else would be writing blogs)…but its your handwriting…your WORK OF ART!….And yet we resort to blogging.
November 2002, my friend compelled me to create a blog and write something. I did….its been 4 years now…and I have only 3 entries!!!!!!

And its not like I have not written anything ever since, of course I have…in my little orange book….titled.. “UNTITLED”.

But now the question boils down to “ What on EARTH am I doing here??????”
Blubirdsinging.blogspot.com???????? why???????
Simple… as much as I might Love to be OTHERWISE….I am a conformist!!!!!
Everyone and Anyone has blogs..Heck…even my mother who is not quite the net savvy person has a blog!

Hopefully I would cross the 3 entry record. Until I write again……