Home away from home????

Wow, I cant believe this month passed by so quickly. I can still remember finishing my Clinical Psych paper and celebrating with some good music and Breezers at Purple Haze with my fellow music enthusiast and now before I know it, I have to start slogging again, Psychopathology and all that jazz.
People said that I would definitely get used to Bangalore and the College and that its just a matter of time! It's been exactly a year now and the animosity is still as strong as ever. Strangely I can adjust, I know that! But I am just surprised at my incapability to do so!
My parents still bear the brunt of me rambling on and on about how

• I want to quit the course.
• I dont want to go back to Bangalore.
• I want to stay home.

But they just dismiss it with a grin, they have faith that I will do justice to the 55,000Rs my father paid every year. Thankfully for my "perseverance" and immense patience I am mentally preparing myself to walk through this year!

It's easier said than done when people say "just one more year". But sometimes one really can't help feeling a particular way however much one might try and question and reason.

There are a lot of things to look forward to...great weather...independence...great concerts(not to mention the free passes)...a family...friends...but whatever said and done...it's NOT home!!!

Laws of Contiguity..

Yesterday I had one of the most interesting conversations. Strangely, it was with my mother. We talk a lot, gossip, fight, scream, nag (well she does). However, yesterday was different. We spoke for almost an hour and a half. My mother sleeps at 9.00 pm, she stayed up till 10.30pm….talking to her daughter. Finally we were both “mature adults” and discussed topics that I would not have even dreamt of disclosing under normal circumstances. But somehow it felt right, for once in my life I knew what I was doing and I wanted to share that with my mother.

Earlier when I experimented with the whole “sharing” process, I encountered brutal antipathy towards my ideas and was condemned of committing a “sin”..something a typical Iyer Girl must not even think of!

But yesterday, things were different, she smiled, she laughed, she was concerned but the over all experience was different. There is this new BOND that has been established, let me rephrase that, the old bond was strengthened, the connection was strengthened using the laws of exercise and contiguity and all other laws that these over ambitious learning theorists like Thorndike and Hull kept talking about without addressing the core of the connection.

Things have indeed changed, and thankfully I have a whole year left to relish this change

I am no Superman.....

I am Currently in love with this song... Its the whole song, stripped down to its Lyrics, Tune and The Feel. It all started with a playplist on my ipod, that i was listening to as I was falling asleep, but then this song started, I woke up, I heard it, I heard it again, I heard it over and over again until I knew the words by HEART! Again a song is definitely not about knowing the words, its about making it your OWN, Feeling it!!! I guess that answers why there are certain songs you can just listen to forever.. I tried making this my own....Did I succeed in doing so? Well I dont know, but it sure got me to write about it.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING - DAVE MATTHEWS BAND

Where are you going, with your long face pulling down?
Don't hide away, like an ocean
That you can't see but you can smell
And the sound of waves crash down

I am no superman.
I have no reasons for you
I am no hero, Aww that's for sure
But I do know one thing:
Is where you are is where I belong.
I do know, where you go, is where I wanna be.

Where are you going? Where do you go?
Are you lookin' for answers to questions under the stars?
Well if along the way you are growin weary, you can rest with me
Until a brighter day, you're ok.

Tell me where are you going?
Where? Let's go.

Ok I admit it, I secretly do wish someone..anyone...was singing this to "me", gettting me to admit to something like that, is quite a task (people who know me would second that)...and thats the beauty of this song....I rest my case.

Debris....

I was determined to write something on my blog today!

For its been collecting dust (not to mention cobwebs) much similar to this rack I have in my room. Its rather overwhelming to see how your room once so neat and tidy...spic and span orderly and symmetrical…is filled with junk…old junk…unused junk…. My room has lost its significant effect….the effect being – an invisible laser that stands in front of my door, preventing people from coming inside unless they swipe their coded entry card and then the door opens to a place which was NOT COLLECTING DUST.

And now as I sit on the same bed that used to cry out loud colours….I can see the faded colours screaming out loud “Sindhu..we miss you”. Now is that a good enough reason to convince my folks to let me stay back? Ofcourse it is…..(now isn’t that called wishful thinking)….

So the point boils down to my blog collecting dust…its been a month, and lets just say this “analogy” is a great way to clean up the mess!

....Until.....

Until....I spoke to this other friend of mine....
I soon realized, what I think is not what everyone else thinks!! And with conviction I wish to believe that whatever I think, is what others will understand.....I was proved wrong...

This whole process started with harmless confrontation and ended up in introspection and realzing "The Self"....and not to mention.... to come to terms with "Reality".
Naive as I was, when I thought, only when you blatantly insult someone in any form, would that be considered rude....Apparently not!
Being emotionally repressed, Not always engaging in (inane) conversations, or probably not sayin a "HI", with a bright chirpy smile, to every singly person in the room.... also fall under the same category..."rude....obnoxious....stuck up".

As the conversation progressed, I tried taking my defensive stance, and only with time I realized, my efforts would be futile!
*As hard as it is for me to show "affection" it would be equally hard for someothers to comprehend the need for space.
*As hard as it is for me to understand the resistance to confrontation...equally hard would it be for someothers to understand "bluntness".
*As hard as it is for me to comprehend juvenile back biting....equally hard would it be for someothers to refrain from doing so.
*As hard as it is for me to trust people..equally hard would it be for others to provide the benefit of doubt.

I believe I live in a world free of judgements, but I'm clearly wrong, for a "message" that reached through word of mouth, had a far greater impact, than when the "message" was proved otherwise.

So now the revelation process began...I was asked to make an effort to change...."If I cared"... Now the question boils down to......."Do I always potray an indifferent attitude towards people?" If the answer is YES, then I sure am in BIG trouble! Why???? "I can't change"....WHY???
"It's convenient..." WHY?? "I do it unconsciously"..WHY??? "I wish I knew"!!!!
It suddenly occurred to me that, even though I might need to change, I refrain from making that effort! I would rather become a social recluse, retreat in my own little cocoon, but NOT change!!! This could be read as me being "Stubborn"...but truth speaks....WHO ISNT????.

Now is when the "Benefit of doubt" factor could come to play.... what if.....what if.... I am just NOT comfortable being any other way than the way I have been all my life!!!!!!!!!

Introspection indeed created a mild turmoil in my head....as my friend once said " I have a sandstorm in my head"...I never understood the strength of that statement..until NOW!

But philosophy speaks, or so I think...."Life moves on"............"and so should I"....

Madness!

My friend spoke about Madness and Creativity in class today..... and just yesterday I had finished composing a song...and I was extremely proud of what I did....
It now makes me wonder, if what I did was actually a product of creativity... what really went through my mind to create something new, which till now people did not find any fault with.
Assuming that it is a creative piece of "art"...... am I "Mad"???
Is my thought process not conducive to what is expected from the "Real World"??
I thought not.....Until...................

It's a Puzzle to me...

I never saw the day, I'd actually miss children's company.
This is with reference to my two cousins....who are "charming rogues".
I crave everyday to go over to my aunts place just to "be around those kids".
What is so baffling is that, I don't even play with the kids!
I just sit around them, policing them at times, and refusing to lift the smaller one....because he drools!!!!
And YET..... they come running(literallly) everytime they see my face....my detached stance...!!
I was stunned...I still am for that matter.
I bribe the older one with a used to train ticket, to learn a song...!!! And my interaction is prety much restricted to just that!
And YET..... they have the broadest smiles on their faces when they see me!!
I always wondered..why is it that I just cant refrain from going over to my aunts house...
Has my home sickness manifested itself by my constant need to be around "family"
or are my subdued strong sentiments for children associated with my ritualistic "spending 70 rs everyday" act to get here..... I would think the latter!!

Change

So much has changed ever since I wrote my last post......

I reached home....and now its time to leave!
Its a new year...and I dont believe in resolutions!
I believe something new and different would happen and I would enjoy that difference.
Little signs, would bring a ray of optimism hopefully.
I can pull through one more semester in the city I dread going to everytime I come home....

My father had mentioned...." I havebecome a guest at home....since I have officially moved out"
My immediate reaction to that was "Appa chumma irru (Keep quiet)".
But I guess the statment actually hits you only when you realize that.... you can no longer sleep in your room, use your mirror, live in your house, watch TV, stay with your family members....when it is time to pack the bags and listen to last minute do's and dont's.

It's time now, and I can already hear my mother screaming....for I have to leave yet once again!!!! But this time...hoping things would be a lot different!

Signing off!